PT.1

hmm.. what's caused this long pause of silence?
what is this LONGNIGHT have to offer..
why am i constantly strapped for sleep
thinking about who knows what?
too many things running in my mind

i don't even know what i'm thinking about anymore.
i feel like i need to get away, but how can i just leave?
how do i drop what i know for something brand new
fresh start, new beginnings.

sounds satisfying :) yet.... i turn that smile
down for a while till i know what really makes me smile.
this phony sense of joy is overlooked.
this stupid front for " new start "
is stupid if nothing new is happening.

you'll sit there and thinking and thinking,
why the fake gesture of pursuing happiness?
just let things happen.

if your sitting on your ass theres obviously something
something hurting perhaps?
maybe you said something that you regret?
maybe you believe that your suppose to feel like this?
how does this make sense?
holy crap, lets try to make some changes.
lets try to make things better.
yet nothing come out from that..
rewind, " im so satisfied with life ! "
fast forward.. satisfied? what does that feel like?
i honestly feel like there's something missing
i don't fuken know what it is anymore.
i feel like crying and i dont know why
i feel like sleeping but i can't
music is healing
yet it's " killing me softly " seriously
still pictures of imaginary things in my mind
pause. i like that part. happiness lived there
no front it was real. all of it was.
problem that you keep to yourself?
i hate this feeling, sweet misery
when you reaching out for help
all you got is yourself. woord?
ha, it's ok to cry sometimes.
don't grasp those tears from falling
let it fall.. but it seems like i'm turning any bright sky to night
i dont want to feel like this but i do...
what else am i suppose to do.
huggin pillows tight,
sleeping super late at night .
teddy bears make things alright.
it hurts.
it kills.

thats life.
fakesmiles..

` who reads this shit?
.. refresh my soul